On Fridays I would like to share small windows into my world that aren’t quite enough to create a blog around. I’ll update you here on big projects and share challenges from the week and celebrate the things that make my life so very magical.
Ryan began to cry just as I thought he was drifting off to sleep on Monday. It might have been that he had decided to sleep in my room that night and I brought Aurora to bed just in time to disrupt his snooze. She is a talker and needs to have a little chat as she drifts off. Ryan needs silence, darkness, and more SILENCE. It could have been stress from being back at school. It could have been anything. He wasn’t in the brain space to share. I hate our reliance on spoken word. Why haven’t humans evolved past this already? John had a good thought, though, and offered Ryan my phone to send messages on. Some of our best conversations with Ryan happen through messenger. He chose not to this time but I am grateful to John for reminding me of that simple solution which disappeared from my brain the minute I heard my baby whimper.
The next morning I woke up upset, finding it difficult to focus. I surveyed the rooms I cleaned the day before and instead of feeling proud, I was mad at myself that the mess in my house has reached such a level. So, I pulled my yoga mat out. I decided not to follow a video but instead focused on where the pain is. My legs and hips are sore from the sudden increase of walking for school runs. Lockdown to 2-3 miles a day is a big change. I stretched. I worked over and over again to relax my shoulders. I spent 20 minutes on the mat focused only on what I needed, and I am really glad that I did. Time like that is a luxury, but one that I have because my babies wake up hours before we have to leave the house. See, they look out for me, really. Bonus- When I had to carry Ryan the Lion down the stairs later as he tried to avoid school, I was all limbered up.
In another small win, I read a book this week. Just like the old Hayley. I read Queenie by Candice Carty-Williams. It was absolutely the perfect book for my “First” book. Queenie is a black woman in London going through a break up and a mental health crisis. I adore her, and was sorry to have to leave her behind at the end of the book. The trademark of a well told story. I’m so proud of myself for taking the time for this and can’t wait to choose the next book.
This week, I had a massive fail. While making dinner, I floated between the kitchen and outdoors where Aurora was playing. In my distraction, I put water on to boil for pasta and for some reason turned on 2 hobs. Ryan’s lunchbox and snack box were on the extra burner, and they melted. Someone saw the smoke while I stood with my back to the house. I ran back in, pulled the boxes off the stove and into the sink which thankfully already had water in it. The melted plastic left underneath immediately caught fire. I put a lid on it and the crisis was over just as the fire alarms caught on to the problem and began to wail.
You know what is really bananas? Something really similar happened 4 years ago this week. In my newborn baby and little boy starting school sleep deprived state I once put a pot of water filled with bottles on to boil so I could steralize them. Then, I left the flat and went to Ryan’s school for a meeting about his education plan. I was gone two hours. TWO HOURS. Thankfully, I got home after the bottles melted but before they actually caught fire. I can still remember sitting in the cafe underneath our old flat waiting for the firemen to give us the all clear and shaking so badly I was afraid to hold Aurora.
This time, after it was all over I stood in my kitchen and sobbed. I hate making mistakes, especially big ones that would effect mine and my family’s life so fully. I mean, Ryan was in the house when the lunchboxes began to melt. I’m getting upset just thinking about it. I keep trying to tell myself that people make mistakes, that it has been a hectic week, that I won’t be so careless again (Or at least for 4 more years if a pattern is emerging) I am trying to be kind to myself. I’ll let you know how that goes.
The best thing that happened this week, hands down, is when Ryan asked me to watch “Stick Man” with him on the BBC iplayer. During his long absence from school Ryan became more and more withdrawn. I tried everything I could, but by the end he would allow me to be near him, but he rarely asked for my company. You can bet this week, when my kiddo came to the door to ask me to join him, I dropped everything and went for it. We watched Stick Man and Ryan recited it along with the narrator. Then he showed me a couple more videos he likes and finally we built a train track together. It was really special.
Bonus: Ryan made a little video singing the days of the week.